Wandering Back.....

I honestly had good intentions on when I started this blog to share my thoughts on raising a child with Bi-Polar Disorder. I, however was caught up in the daily tasks of being his parent (not that my life is any less chaotic then any one else). Some days it just seemed that way. Being a single parent to two boys who are 8 years apart was no easy feat (being a parent isn't, I know) Then you add a couple of diagnosis of ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder (with Mania), Anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Autism Broad Spectrum (between the both of them). Pepper in the 504 Plans and IEP Meetings, Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Medication Therapy, and both of them needed braces. Normal everyday parenting. I know my struggles are no different from anyone else (laughs, it just feels that way). So why come back after I dropped the blog and my adventures in parenting are almost done? Not really sure, I feel that maybe I have something to share. Some insights to offer? I survived. I know it seems weird to say that. I survived. It was hard, it was trying at times and some days are easier than others. And now we have one out of the house and one high school student still trying to find his way in this crazy world. The roller coaster ride doesn't end; it just changes. I was talking with my son the other day about the things we all have been through. He doesn't remember. How odd? Boy to think back to all the stuff we went through before he was diagnosed to all the calls from his First Grade teacher. The grey clouds that rolled in for no apparent reason. He still has his little quirks but cannot recall why he has them. Everything he does is just second nature. Little does he know that his second nature is something I gave to him when he was little and we worked hard to get it. Thinking back was another reason to start blogging again. I want something to show him later. We have had to had the "birds & the bees" talk and he says "don't worry, I don't want kids so yeah, there's that". I didn't want to push the issue because after all he still has plenty of time to rethink the whole no kids thing. But I was curious as to why he doesn't want kids. He simply said "I don't want them to be like me". Wow, that completely blew me away. Sure it was tough, I said, but I would not trade you for anything in the world. He smiled. I told him that there is nothing wrong with him, we all go through tough times with our children and whatever comes your way, you have the tools to handle it. There are days where he is like me and when you have those "that's so me" moments, you can relate. You actually know how to handle those situations a lot better than flying blind. That is true with any parent, not just a parent of a special needs child. So in short and so I can stop rambling (in my head, getting lost in thought) I will have this blog here as some record of roller coaster ride we journeyed on together. It has been worth the ride......

Rant......

According to my son's father I am the worst mother alive.  Everything I do is wrong.  Yes over made a huge mistake of giving Caleb a trial period without his meds.  If you thought that I was causing such great harm to him,  why didn't you take him to see the doctor. Why didn't you over ride me? It would have been so simple to call the therapist, schedule an appointment, go to the pharmacy and then make sure he takes it every single morning.  That's what I had been doing every day since he was 5 (he is now 14) And prior to the meds I have spent several years with speech and occupational therapy plus school meetings,  therapist and home studies.  He hasn't been here every single day.  I have... Unless I am at work.  And prior to 2011 I worked extremely close to home.  My office used to be on the same property  as where I live.  I have never taken a vacation,  moved out, been in jail (for any period of time).  Now I am just rambling so I guess the rant is over.

Houston, We Have A Problem

When they want to be left alone,  they want to be left alone.  All you can do is ask if there is anything you can do or if there is a problem you can help with.  I get that.  But his father does not.  His father thinks all this is fun and games.  Why antagonize him?  Why try to push him to his limits and make him angry.  Who knows why the storm clouds have come to roost,  who knows when the sun will shine again.  Usually in the morning things settle themselves out.  But it can take a bit longer when his father interferes with the process.  Why is it hard to understand that when he wants to be left alone then he wants to be left alone.  And it especially doesn't help to get angry at him for wanting to be left alone.  If I step in and try to settle the situation,  then I am interfering or babying him. These have been the battles for years.  The counseling makes no difference in his father's opinion.  Caleb is only bipolar because he is spoiled and excuses are being made for him.  And when it is convenient for him to recognize Caleb's diagnosis is when Caleb is doing something that annoys him or there is a problem at school.  It's not easy being the peace keeper but it is a task that I will endure.  For Caleb's sanity.  Until he learns to manage his own.  Luckily for me these problems don't happen every day. 

One of Those Days

Ever have one of those days where you look at your kid and say "dang, he/she is so much like me?  Where do they get those little ticks and quirks?" It would be funny if you thought about it long enough...  I have always hated crowds.  So does Caleb.  He avoids them like a plague.  Just like me he is learning to adapt somewhat.  Extremely large crowds are a no go. Festivals and amusement parks are never an option.  He says he may want to go but shortly there after he will want to leave.  Parades are a no go too.  He claims its boring but that is just his way of wiggling out.  I am the same,  however at 44, I have learned to somehow move past the crowd and deal with it.  I have to have things a particular way and have loads of personal bubble space.  Picky eaters are we.  Caleb though is a better then me though,  he has more variety to his diet then me.  Sensitive, yep we are both sensitive.  Which makes it hard. The only difference is I have empathy and he lacks it which make my sensitivity worse, especially when he is in one of his moods and his mouth is aimed at me.  I admittedly have OCD and the only OCD moments Caleb has is to his clothes and shoes.  Sometimes guilt sets in and you wonder if there is something more you could have done and not pass you quirkiness on to your kid.  These are the questions that those pesky questionnaires ask you. And if...and if there is a diagnosis to be had, wouldn't you have it too?  Ah, sometimes you just gotta say,  who cares and embrace the things that make you You and the quicker you do that then you can find people who will too.

Gee any history of mental illness?

I get asked that question a lot.  I could never tell you what was what because I didn't know.  Sure we all have those family members who were questionable but no one ever went to the doctor about it.  And besides no one ever talked about crazy Aunt Suzi anyway. So you think about it,  why you?  Why your kid?   At best I can give you examples of the people on my family tree.  I can give you examples of how my mother is and yes she needed to be evaluated years ago.  Does this skip a generation?  What questions can really be answered? 

The question comes up again and I see my son's father squinting at me like, "yeah all the problems on your side." My son's father doesn't see that his son is exactly like him.  I see it plain as day.  Albeit they are questioning whether Caleb has bipolar disorder, but he clearly has it. He has the switch they are talking about.  He can change like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde.  I don't know too much about his families mental health history but I can tell you he comes from a family of drinkers.  I don't know what the mental health impact maybe or if it is one at all.  I am just tired of people looking at me. Like I have done something wrong.  Yes I carried and gave birth to him but his genetics are there too.

I have mental health baggage,  most families do.  Instead of getting upset about it.  Find solutions on how to deal with it. 

Starting Over

Let's see...  Been a few years since I have posted anything.  Lack of followers and such made me put the blog on the back burner.  I have decided to start again for me and maybe one day Caleb will be able to understand what the rollercoaster ride has been like.  Not only is this starting over for me but for him as well.  Could things come to a full circle?  Maybe.  I didn't expect things to come to this.  But they have.  Last summer Caleb and I made a collective decision to cease medication.  At his prime he was prescribed 300mg of ....2tabs 2x a day. That's a lot of meds for anyone let a lone a child.  Plus 60mg of..... Daily and meds for sleep.  Over 2012/2013 we cut down to just 300mg daily and kept the other meds the same.  No issues.  No meds on the weekends.  Doctor on board with decisions.  Then summer 2014 stop everything all together.  No problems. Beginning of school year, again no problems.  No huge outbursts,  no fits of rage,  no hostile moments.  Sure we had a few golden moments when he would get upset but nothing major to where I needed to run screaming for his doctor. It wasn't until a week before Christmas break that problems began to surface.  But as something new.  Something different.  So now we are back to the starting line.   Testing.  Damn all those questionnaires about you,  your family,  your life,  your kid and those "never,  rarely, almost, sometimes, occasionally and always questions". You know the questions.  And so time consuming to fill out.  Almost makes you think you're on trial or something.  And now that Caleb is older,  he is more aware that something is going on with him and he is not happy to discuss it.  Starting over sucks but I made my bed and I shall lie in it.

When we are alone it gets to us. When we are alone we really don't get it. At least I don't. Just today's random thought... I can't be alone...